TGIF

Today I am thankful that it's Friday. Some weeks are long, others are interminable. This one falls in the "interminable" zone. This is partially because of work and partially because I am in the "dead vacation zone". Last day off of work was in February; next day off is not until Memorial Day. The time in-between is filled with 5-day work weeks. I know, it sounds like I'm a wimp. But, honestly, when you see clients all day and are surrounded by their energy, it gets old, real old, real fast.

My weekends are my salvation. I stay home, avoid the phone, don't go to the mall, don't go anywhere. This is my "recharge" time. I need this time to survive. It takes 2 days to wash off the energy I collect all week. It accumulates in my psyche, invades my neurons, affects my being. It's not that I am an isolationist; I am a survivor and this is the antidote to my job.

Today when I got home it was warm, sunny, breezy. I sat out on the patio and just sat. I listened, felt the breeze on my face, listened to the birds, the breeze. In MBSR it is "Conscious awareness meditation". It was a wonderful way to detox. Best part is I have 2 more days to recover, meditate, practice mindful yoga, and regroup.

Amen, thanks for weekends, meditation, and yoga.

Moving on

Ever had the feeling that the train was moving fast and you were hanging outside the door, one leg flailing in the wind? Worst of all, there is a train coming in the opposite direction and you can't pull yourself into the cab? Well, that is how I felt today. Life moves on, sometimes way too fast.

Just got a call from my daughters soon to be college in the Fall. "She needs a physical, did you submit FAFSA, has she made the room request, will she be bringing an automobile? Did you decide on the orientation date? You know school starts on September 6."

Well, frankly no. I had not thought of any of that lately. I have been in my suspended cocoon. The empty nest is looming in my future and I have chosen to ignore it for the present time. Is that bad? Come on, how many of you have been through this? Are these feelings and concerns normal? I think a resounding "yes" is in order.

So, now I am looking at this straight on. FAFSA must be sent, orientation has to be scheduled, school will start regardless of my denial. The house will be empty; she will be away. I will miss her, the dogs will miss her, Tom will not be the same. Should we rent her room? Never, that is her space, can't be filled by anyone else, nor can her sisters room.

We as parents hold the lease on their time as our child, in our home, raising them, instilling values. Then the lease runs out and we hope and pray that all we have inculcated in them holds up against the adversity of life.

So it goes on.

Sents

Back on The Mat

Well, finally I am able to do more asanas. I have been in Physical Therapy now for ~ 2 months [1 month in the real stuff]. So, last Saturday I attended my first "class" in quite a while. It was called "Yoga and Creativity". We did ~ 1 hour of yoga then learned about "VIsion Boards" and the Chakras which relate to creativity. After yoga we used the remainder of the class to build our own Vision Board! I took a picture and posted it on Facebook but here it is.





I especially like "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil". I case you can't see all the components here are the bits and the explanation:


"Break Free" - my desire to break free from my past chains; also I love the "I want to break free" song.


"Tibetan Prayer Flags" - to send good blessings to all people.


"Your Spirit" - we all have a spirit and interact with everyone else's spirit. May I always appreciate your spirit.


"Italy - Tuscany" - to celebrate my heritage and my work to obtain Dual citizenship in honor of my grandfather Emilio Dalporto.


"The Recycle Symbol" - to continue to honor the environment by conservation and generating minimal traces of my life on earth.


"The Beatles" - I love them and music makes me happy. 


'It's good to be" - because it is good to be where you are when you are. Most importantly to be in the moment and let the rest go.


"Inside out" - may my philosophical and spiritual beliefs be reflected in all I do and say.


"Start Your Day right" - every day, every moment is new. A reminder that every day is a new start and morning blessings include meditation, yoga, Lemon Tea and blessings.


"Live Well" - encompasses all of the above.




So naturally after class I had to research the creativity aspect myself and here are some interesting factoids I found while googleing the topic "Chakras and Creativity". From: http://www.sacredcenters.com/chakras/chakra-exercises#chakra5

Chakra Six: Ajna

Light, Archetypal identity, oriented to self-reflection

This chakra is known as the brow chakra or third eye center. It is related to the act of seeing, both physically and intuitively. As such it opens our psychic faculties and our understanding of archetypal levels. When healthy it allows us to see clearly, in effect, letting us “see the big picture.”




Chakra Five: Vishuddha  

Sound, Creative identity, oriented to self-expression

This is the chakra located in the throat and is thus related to communication and creativity. Here we experience the world symbolically through vibration, such as the vibration of sound representing language

Chakra One: Muladhara

Earth, Physical identity, oriented to self-preservation

Located at the base of the spine, this chakra forms our foundation. It represents the element earth, and is therefore related to our survival instincts, and to our sense of grounding and connection to our bodies and the physical plane. Ideally this chakra brings us health, prosperity, security, and dynamic presence.


 I am attending classes on "Mindfullness Based Stress-Reduction" class. We have had 3 so far and Tuesday night we have class number 4. I have noticed subtle changes in my interactions with people and my thought patterns. The weirdest thing is that in the past couple of weeks I have lost hings; an earring, the top to my water bottle, and my string of pearls. After realizing the loss, I was upset but "just let it go". I have since received back the earring, bottle top and Pearls. How weird is that?? 


On the home front, Hannah is completing pre-work for college; this freaks me out. But, then one day on the way to work I started to realize that when we have children we have a "kids lease". We have them until 18 when the lease runs out. Then we make the choice: pay forward on the lease with them home or in college. So I guess our lease will continue. I am grateful that our lease has been relatively trauma free, other than some ER visits. No drugs, arrests, etc. I think we did pretty well.

namaste
Mary

Daja Vu All Over Again.

Well, here I am again. If it is December I am recovering from surgery, shoulder that is. Last year at this time I was preparing for surgery; this year I tried something different!! Surgery before Thanksgiving. This shoulder, the right one, was different from the left. The tear was "large" as the Orthopedic Surgeon put it. Translated, this means that I have to have my arm in a sling for 6 weeks instead of 3, and, as a second bonus, I cannot start  Physical Therapy for 6 weeks. I have been out of work for 4 weeks and will be returning to work on Monday, December 6. Initially I'll go part-time and do PT in the afternoons.

Being home has been nice. It is cool not to have to get up and go to work after swallowing a cup of coffee. The best part has been getting to watch all 7 seasons of the Gilmore Girls. Talk about the Queens of banter! Lorelei and Rory win the prize in this area as well as the "subtle nuance" award.

Yoga has been a challenge lately. Some asanas I can do without the right arm, these I have been focusing on. I have been meditating in the mornings and I think this has helped me with pain control. It seems different this time but it is still there. I look forward to resuming my practice and going to the studio, which, hey, it's moving to a new space at 5-points. It seems to be a nice space, can't wait to go to a class there. I hope to resume my Sunday Sadhana class and hopefully have attendees! But whatever you do is your sadhana; meditate on your actions, be present, it is all practice.

Until later,
namaste.

Sunday Yoga Sadhana

I am leading a new class at the Heart Center Yoga studio. It is called Sunday Yoga Sadhana. I have led 2 classes so far and I am easing into fuller class development. It is always so different when you are there, the teacher. It seems like whatever I think I want to practice evaporates and the class morphs into a totally different experience. Perhaps the only constant is the practice intention and closing passage.

I believe that it is important to have an intention or a meaningful passage to ponder during the invitational meditation. It sets the tome for the practice and helps to lead the participants into deeper meditation and self-discovery as they progress through the asanas. The practice of movement guided by the breath is, in and, of itself, beauty. If you close your eyes, go inward, and move with your breath, it is an incredible spiritual and meditative experience.  Sometimes I feel that my practice is music in motion. For example, meditating in a seated position I find myself moving to music, absorbing the notes and the beat. I become the music, the meditation, the asana. It is like driving through the woods and absorbing the air, the colors, the sky, the horizon, directly through your skin. You can feel the energy penetrate your skin, bone and muscle, you become nature.

Recently I drove to West Virginia to visit my relatives. The home of my Uncle is on the Kanawha River. I would arise in the morning and sit outside on the patio watching the river, absorbing the energy, space, altitude, colors, grass, etc. It is incredibly rejuvenating; I just become one with nature. The energy surge and subsequent peace and fulfillment are incredible.

Next time you are outside absorb nature; become one with it. It does not take energy, just be and become one with energy's nature.

Namaste

...It isn't about self-improvement...keep reading. From The Elephant Journal

Via Melanie Jane Parker

on Sep 27, 2010

Notes on a Teacher Training: The Body.

Let’s talk about the body.

Most of us in the Laughing Lotus Love Skool arrived at yoga through asana practice. Some of us used videos or DVDs or books to get started. Many of us stumbled into a class by accident, or took on yoga as a complement to more high-impact calisthenics and athletics. It’s been utilized as a healing tool, a vessel towards serenity, and as a way to unwind after the daily winding-up that is work, school, life.

We arrive at yoga through asana because the physical body is the most tangible. There are subtle bodies within this body (anamaya), but it takes much time, patience, and good faith to access an awareness of those other bodies.
But we start with this body right here – with feet, hands, arms, legs, hips, belly, pelvis, shoulders, back, neck. Organs, tendons, ligaments, joints, bones, muscle, fluids, blood. We come to stand in tadasana with history, and lots of it. Emotional, psychological, physical history. Through the practice of yoga, it is possible to access parts of us that have remained hidden, disguised, or sublimated.

I feel compelled to write about this because for the past several weeks of Love Skool, I have been confronted again and again with the reality of my relationship to my own body. I’ve been musing over why this process of revealing is so insistent at this particular moment in my life, when I am at my most comfortable. Perhaps it is because the changes I have undergone since beginning my yoga practice are more apparent now than ever before. It is as though my insecurities become more glaring as my confidence and sense of self-worth increase.

I say let’s talk about the body, but the only body I’m prepared to talk about it is my own. I began practicing yoga when I was sixteen. I felt uncomfortable in my body, and thought that being active would make me feel better. Within a few months, I had stopped eating meat and had cut down significantly on the amount of sugar and fast food I consumed. I took steps towards vegetarianism and cut out junk food because I wanted to be healthier, but the many other dietary restrictions I imposed upon myself were fueled by the desire to be thin.

From an early age, my experience was as the heavier girl, with a full face and early breasts and hips. I had a raging sweet tooth and a real grudge against exercise. When I discovered yoga, I earnestly believed it would help me accept myself. As my body began to change with the gradual shedding of old habits and the acquisition of new ones, my approach to yoga shifted. Whereas once it had helped me settle in and relax, now it was another instrument for my ego. My mat became a space for vanity and self-critique, both of which spiraled into bouts of self-loathing. I also took up running, and I ate less and less. I became totally fixated on numbers: the three digits on the scale, calories, grams of fat, grams of protein, grams of carbohydrates. Miles run, minutes practiced. My life was broken down and cataloged, and on days where I ate three substantial meals, I practiced with guilt and determination. I wanted to sweat, burn and eliminate.

I won’t blame the media or high school cliques. I won’t blame locker room chatter or plastic surgeons or the women in my life who pinch, prod and bemoan their own flesh. All of these things are symptoms of greater cultural issues, and we all suffer. But this is why it is also up to us to recognize self-destructive tendencies in ourselves and in others, and to uplift one another. I notice that when I have a negative thought about someone else’s body, it is absolutely rooted in a painful history of rejecting my own body. The more I embrace myself, the more I can perceive the truth and beauty in others.

For the past seven years, my weight has fluctuated and my body has changed. When I dropped to an unhealthily low weight around age seventeen, it didn’t last. Without even changing my eating habits or exercise regimen, I began gaining weight. Yes, I panicked. Yes, I attempted to limit and push myself even more. But my body, in its wisdom, took care of itself. Eventually I found some semblance of balance. I stopped weighing myself and I stopped aiming for a certain pants size. I disregarded the cult of dieting and began to be mindful of nourishment. Instead of eating the food with the least calories, I began eating the most wholesome, nourishing, revitalizing food I could get my hands on. My practice of vegetarianism evolved into an ethical practice as opposed to a reaction to “should” and “should-not”. I concentrated on being in this body. I focused on its capabilities, its range of motion, its strength, flexibility, rhythms, lines, curves and edges. And not to mention its changes and transformations – thank goodness for transformation! Thank goodness I have this ever-changing body to travel in. It is through this chest, this belly, these hips, these legs and arms, feet and hands, that I can feel the earth, the seasons, illness and health, living and dying. It is through my organs of perception that I can find nourishment, humor, music, love, beauty, and joy. Whereas I once used yoga as a way to fetishize and degrade my body, I am now grounded in my mind and spirit enough to feel asana practice as a direct, delicious experience of my own divine nature, and it is this experience that breeds self-acceptance like no other.

I actually decided to become a student at the Love Skool because of a workshop I took with Dana Flynn in April of 2010, in Portland, Oregon. The thread of the workshop was the belly – feeling the belly, seeing the belly, harnessing its fullness and its power, its creative force. I remember Dana saying, We are taught to hate our bellies, but this is where it all starts. Every single one of us came from a belly. Some of us have given or will give life from the belly. How can we be ashamed of something so potent? I was completely blown away by this encounter with what felt like a startling, brilliant truth, and I feel tremendous gratitude and love for the teacher who guided me to that sweet revelation.

Of course, there are days when I forget to be thankful. There are days when I am sixteen all over again, panicked and anxious. I have had a few of these days during Love Skool, believe it or not. Standing in front of the class still isn’t easy for me, and I know it will continue to be a challenge when I get the opportunity to teach. The fear still nags – they are looking at me, they are looking at my body, how does my body look, how do they see me, how should I feel? I imagine I am not alone in this. We are all carrying the weight of our minds and hearts, aside from the weight of our bodies. We live in a culture that, unfortunately, maintains some very narrow and distorted ideas about bodies. I feel blessed to have found this yoga practice, and to now be a part of the Love Skool, where the true emphasis is on moving like yourself, as Dana says.

How can you move like yourself if you don’t want to?, you may wonder. Well, a big part of the journey is getting into the groove where you want to move like yourself. I spent years wanting to move like someone else, wanting straight lines and symmetry and narrowness. To be in a space in which you are moving and being moved, and being held in the light of acceptance and love – that’s a rare blessing. Ultimately, we have to cultivate that space for ourselves, apart from a studio or a classroom or a teacher. This, I suspect, is the whole point of our daily sadhana assignment.
Laughing Lotus teaches an ecstatic, flavorful style of practice. At the Love Skool, we are encouraged to take what’s been hidden in the dark and to expose it to the light, as it is only when one teaches from one’s own practice that one is capable of transmitting some of that light, some of that shakti.

I know my fellow yogis and yoginis are moving through similar questions and struggles, even if we haven’t discussed it outright. But what we have discussed are these expectations we have of ourselves, our practice, and our participation in this teacher training. Where do these expectations arise from? Where do they go? Where do they make homes in our bodies and hearts? What feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy do they reinforce? At the same time, how can these expectations propel us forth on our respective paths?

The challenge is in locating places of resistance and recesses of pain, uncertainty, and anger, and taking them into the conversation you have with yourself, every moment of everyday, regarding who you are and who you want to become. It’s a tightrope act, balancing between self-love and aspiring to be more wholly, fully, lovingly human. The Lotus teaches that it isn’t about self-improvement, because there is nothing essentially wrong with who you are and what you’re working with. More than anything it is about coming to know who you are and learning to love what you’re working with – in body, in mind, and in spirit.

So begin in the body. Begin at your feet. These feet take you places. Look at your hands. These hands touch the world. Breathe. This breath is all you have. Then open your eyes, all three of them, and praise.